Presenter: Hello and welcome to a very special episode of the Antiques Roadshow where we’ll be delving into the history of a little town with a somewhat magical past.

Classical music plays. Cut to sweeping wide drone shots of English countryside and then a grand manor building with stalls, marquees and bustling crowds on its grounds. Titles animate over wide shot – The Antiques Roadshow. Cut to presenter slowly walking towards camera at manor gates.

Presenter: Today, the Antiques Roadshow is being hosted in the beautiful countryside town of Mannerton in the heart of England’s Midlands. Home to a population of approximately 20,000 people, Mannerton enjoys a thriving high street culture with a wide choice of independent stores and community projects that keeps its population busy. But what makes this place so fascinating for us interested in antiques, is its arcane and mysterious history. 

Presenter walks off camera. Cut to presenter walking by canal.

Presenter: As the local legend goes, around 300 years ago a travelling man by the name of Barnus Brandymere came to stay in what was then the small village of Mannerton. He took a room in the local inn and became a well recognised local figure thanks to his distinctive pointed hat, robes and walking stick. But soon enough after his arrival, very strange things began to happen. 

Cut to slowly zooming scan of archival illustrations of Barnus Brandymere, Mannerton residents looking shocked and a personable-looking cow.

Presenter voice over: Household objects sprang to life, mysterious portals began appearing and it was even reported that local cattle began to talk. While Barnus resided in Mannerton, these magical anomalies only increased until these unusual events simply became an accepted part of life for everyone. 

Cut to presenter standing on the high street by a bronze statue of Barnus Brandymere.

Presenter: And so it was – Mannerton was a magical town. Over time its inhabitants became familiar with the arcane arts, adopting it and its many benefits into their lives. This era became known to locals as Mannerton’s Magical Years. That era abruptly ended however when one day, Barnus Brandymere simply…disappeared. And so with him, went the magic.

Camera tilts up and zooms in on statue’s face. Cut to presenter back at manor gates.

Presenter: But what makes this story so compelling for us, is the legacy of artefacts that came to be during those years which have since been passed down the generations and have landed in the hands of Mannerton’s current inhabitants. Many of whom are here today to share their stories and perhaps, strike it big at auction. So let’s start the day off with a look at what could very well be the most interesting tea set that our expert Susanna has ever come across. 

Cut to a panning shot of a crowd standing around an outdoor table where an elderly woman sits with an ornate tea set. A smiling expert is sitting next to her. 

Susanna: Well hello there, Doris. So it looks like you’ve brought in this magnificent tea set for us today. 

Doris: Yes. Yes, I’ve had this in the family for quite some time now. Though to be honest it’s sat in a cardboard box in my cupboard for most of the time it’s been in my possession.

Susanna: It certainly is a very fine thing and I can completely understand not wanting to tamper with something so delicate! We can see from its ever-so-slight translucence and its very light weight that it is in fact made from fine china. The brushwork on the flowers is incredibly detailed and really quite charming.

Cut to close-up of the ornate tea set. 

Doris: Yes, I’ve always enjoyed the flower design. Very pretty.

Susanna: Indeed. And from the subtle maker’s mark imprinted onto the base of each piece we can deduce that the set was a part of the Kingston Collection, made in London around the 1650s, which is very sought after indeed. 

Doris: Oh I didn’t know that. How interesting. 

Susanna: Yes, we certainly don’t see many full sets anymore and especially in such good condition so that’s really wonderful. But that’s not all we have here because as we can see; the teapot – which is really the showstopper piece of the set –  seems to be emitting a writhing black mist from its spout. What can you tell us about that, Doris?

Doris: Well not a whole lot unfortunately. But my maternal grandfather, who passed this set on to my mother and then my mother onto me, had briefly spoken of buying the set from a woman who was likely a sorceress of some kind.

Susanna: That’s absolutely right. So our team has looked through historical records from around that time and found many mentions of magic-folk – witches and sorcerers and the like – who must have passed through Mannerton during the Magical Years. So this black mist we see here is likely some kind of incantation or enchantment.

Doris: Oh I had no idea. I thought it was just a type of teapot that did that.

Susanna: It’s quite incredible stuff. I don’t suppose you’ve ever drank from the tea set then, Doris?

Doris: Oh no. Like I said, I’ve kept it safely away. 

Susanna: Well, what we’ve gleaned from our research is that there are a few records of enchanted tea sets such as this, all of which have interesting effects when drunk from. But perhaps most interesting, and where I expect this kind of set garners its value, is its ability to perpetually create tea.

Cut to mid shot of expert pouring the teapot. A deep purple tea swirling with black mist pours from the spout into a teacup on the display table. Quiet gasps are heard from the watching crowd.

Doris: My goodness – I had no idea it did that. It smells lovely.

Susanna: Isn’t it wonderful? Without needing to ever fill it or heat it, it will simply always produce this very fragrant tea. We know from our records that in two other known instances of magical tea sets, the tea would give the drinker vivid dreams and evoke feelings of reported euphoria. Though we can’t assume just because that was the case with other sets that this set would do the same thing. 

Cut to mid-shot of Doris sipping from the cup. Cut back to wide.

Susanna: Oh and I see you’ve just gone for it, Doris! 

Doris: Yes, well it smelled so lovely and I thought well why not try…”

Cut to close-up of Doris’ frozen face. Her eyes have gone wide and her expression is unreadable. Cut to mid-shot of presenter who is addressing the crowd.

Susanna: Doris? Well, it looks like whatever magical effects this might have are having an effect as we speak. Not only is the set just a joy to behold in its craftsmanship but clearly it produces a wonderful brew of…”

Cut to wide shot of expert and Doris. Doris is waving her arms above her head, jaw jutting forward, standing in a low squat. 

Doris: RECKONING COMES. PROFFER THE BLOOD OF MEN. OUGHH. HIS REIGN WILL SUNDER TIME. GUURGGHHL. AND CLEAVE THE COSMOS IN TWAIN. HOUUGGHHH. 

Doris slumps back into her chair, eyes half shut, drooling down her chin.

Susanna: I think at auction you could reasonably expect to see the set sell from anywhere between £140 to £200.

Cut to close-up of Doris in catatonic state, expression of bliss on her face. 

Doris: Oh…that’s not bad at all. What a nice surprise. 

Cut to wide-shot. Doris is slumped in her chair. Susanna smiles to camera. Audience quietly claps. Doris pales. Cut to drone shot of manor grounds. Cut to presenter walking among market stalls on grounds. 

Presenter: Wow, what a beautiful and interesting tea set. We thank Doris for bringing it in and can share that paramedics are attending her as we speak. But the intrigue doesn’t stop here, as Malcolm seems to have found himself with a very special piece of jewellery. 

Cut to wide-shot of expert (Malcolm) in a marquee standing next to an elderly man, surrounded by a crowd of onlookers. 

Malcolm: Hi there, Alan. It’s lovely to meet you.

Alan: And you. 

Malcolm: So Alan, I’m led to believe that you have with you a piece of jewellery that is really quite exceptional. 

Alan: That’s right. I’ve brought with me my great-great-grandfather’s chain necklace. 

Cut to mid-shot of Alan producing a golden chain necklace from a padded jewellery case. Cut to close up of chain in Alan’s hands.

Malcolm: From first glance we see that the gold chain link is in very good condition and you expect around fourteen karats, is that right?

Alan: That’s what I were told, aye. 

Cut back to mid-shot of Malcolm and Alan, chain in Alan’s hand.

Malcolm: Lovely stuff. But of course, it wouldn’t be a Mannerton heirloom without some additional intrigue so tell us, what else is interesting about this piece?

Alan: Well it’s best shown really. 

Cut to midshot of Alan as he clips the chain’s fastener together around his neck. The chain emits a soft glow. Alan emits a soft glow. Alan’s body shapeshifts into an eagle. Cut to reaction shot of crowd clapping quietly. Cut to wide shot of Malcolm and Eagle Alan.

Malcom: Wow, I mean isn’t that just marvellous. 

Eagle Alan: It’s not something I bring out often anymore to be honest but aye, it’s certainly had its uses. 

Chain around Eagle Alan’s neck glows. He shapeshifts into a Giant Galapagos Tortoise. Malcolm smiles and claps approvingly. 

Malcolm: Truly wondrous stuff. And am I right in saying that anyone that wears the necklace gains the ability to change form as you’ve demonstrated? 

Tortoise Alan returns to his human form.

Alan: Aye that’s true. Though there’s definitely a knack to it! 

Malcolm: As it’s such a rare object, I wonder if you’d object to trying it myself? What do you think everyone?

Cut to wide shot of Malcolm addressing audience who respond with mild approval. Cut back to mid shot of Malcolm and Alan.

Alan: Normally I don’t let other people try it but since it’s you Malcolm, go on then. But remember what I said – there’s a knack to it! 

Alan unclips the necklace clasp from the back of his neck and hands it to Malcolm who fastens it around his neck. Crowd reaction shot of anticipation. 

Malcolm: Oh I’m quite nervous actually! So how am I best to do it?

Alan: Picture the animal or thing you want to change into in your mind’s eye. Really hold it there and just concentrate. 

Malcolm: Okay, I’ll try!

Cut to wide shot of Malcolm and Alan standing in marquee tent. Malcom shuts eyes as necklace glows. Malcolm begins to morph. His body crumples into a pile of inside-out twitching meat.

Malcolm: OH GOD IT HURTS

Alan: Aye, I told you – there’s a knack to it. 

Malcolm: I CAN’T CHANGE BACK, ALAN. THE AGONY IS TOO MUCH

Alan: Can’t say I didn’t warn ye! 

Cut to reaction shot of crowd chuckling. Cut to mid-shot of pile of meat.

Malcolm: AGGHH EITHER WAY I EXPECT YOU’RE LIKELY TO FETCH AROUND £120-180 AT AUCTION OH JESUS 

Cut to close up of Alan’s response. 

Alan: Oh, that’s not bad at all! What a nice surprise.

Crowd begins to clap for Meat Malcolm and Alan. Cut to wide. Cut to b-roll sequence of Victorian era oil paintings hung on walls. Cut to midshot of presenter standing in manor drawing room interior in front of paintings. Malcolm’s screams are heard quietly in the background.

Presenter: Wow, what an incredibly powerful artefact there, showing exactly how diverse and interesting the antiques from this area can be. Next up we’ll be looking at a rather stunning piece of ceremonial craftsmanship, with Roger. 

Camera pans from presenter and zooms into painting. Rack focus to blur. Fade to wide shot of expert (Roger) sitting at a display table with an elderly man in a grand hall interior. They’re surrounded by silent audience. 

Roger: So then, Neil. I see you’ve brought something that looks very exotic indeed. What can you tell us?

Neil: Hello, and yes – I’ve brought along what I believe is classed as a dagger, though I’m not sure. Either way it’s a short blade that comes in this nice little scabbard that I’ve always found interesting. 

Cut to close up of Neil’s hands holding dagger sheathed in an ornate scabbard. He pulls the dagger out revealing blade. Cut back to wide.

Roger: And some dagger it is! The leatherwork on the scabbard and handle is just pristine and really like no leather I’ve seen before. And the etched detail on the blade itself is very interesting indeed. Neil, do you know what these kinds of daggers are typically used for?

Cut to mid shot of Neil turning the dagger in his hand. Cut to close up of blade etchings and fine leather handle.

Neil: I don’t know to be honest with you. I actually found this in a box in my grandfather’s attic after he passed so unfortunately was never able to talk to him about it. All I know about it is when you hold it to your ear you can hear little whispering sounds.

Boom mic moves close to dagger.

Dagger: …he’thSANdri xl’aund’RIESssss qu’eltho’snix…

Cut to mid shot of Roger.

Roger: Magnificent. Well Neil, that’s where the fun part of my job comes in! Several years ago historians discovered a cache of documents that detailed an interesting group of people called The Dark Order of Ixlor who were a kind of secret society during the Magical Years. Though we don’t know their purpose we have meeting registers and documents that repeatedly reference the exact etchings that feature on your lovely dagger here! Isn’t that interesting?

Cut to wide shot of Roger and Neil. 

Neil: Yes, my goodness. I’ve never even heard of them.

Roger: Well there’s every chance that your grandfather or perhaps his fathers before him were a part of the Order because these daggers are a rare thing indeed, permitted only to senior members. 

Cut to close up of dagger being turned in Neil’s hands. It has an odd shimmer.

Roger: Their documents make reference to “rituals” which are understood to be interpreted as metaphorical, making the knives purely for ceremonial purposes. I don’t expect it’s ever done much cutting which explains its great condition.

Neil: How very interesting! 

Roger: Do you mind if I were to hold the blade so we can take a better look at these engraved runes on the blade?

Neil: Not at all.

Cut to medium-wide shot of Neil passing the blade to Roger. Cut to close up of Roger’s hands inspecting the blade.

Roger: So these etchings – which I must say, are masterfully carved – have no verified translation as yet though we do know that this symbol at the bottom here is used to represent Ixlor. 

Neil: And do you know who Ixlor is?

Cut to mid shot on Roger holding the blade, turning it in his hands.

Roger: There is only speculation at this stage and nothing on which we can really hang our hat unfortunately. But the blade is a stunning relic nonetheless and, oh…whoopsie!

Roger flinches as he knicks his fingertip on the sharp edge. A bead of blood runs down the blade. Cut to close up of etchings beginning to glow. Cut to wide shot of Roger and Neil.

Roger: Goodness me, it certainly is sharp isn’t it?

Neil: Oh yes, I’ve always been very careful around it. 

Roger: And what’s especially interesting, is that my little bit of blood seems to have been drawn into the runes which are now glowing red. Isn’t that so interesting? I’m sure something as intriguing as this is bound to fetch a handsome price at auction. So Neil, are you interested in…

Blade levitates out of Roger’s hand as runes burn red. Floating blade draws a circle in the air creating a flaming portal. Cut to mid-shot of blazing fifteen foot tall hell-being crawling through portal.

Ixlor: IXLOR, DEMON KING OF THE NINTH REALM HAS BEEN SUMMONED. THIS WORLD SHALL PERISH.

Roger: Oh, so it looks like we’ve actually completed a blood ritual and have summoned Ixlor himself! 

Ixlor: YOUR FLESH TO ASHES.

Cut to wide shot of Ixlor swiping his talons at audience members who evaporate into ash. Neil and Roger watch from their seats.

Neil: And you expect this sort of thing is good for the value of the item?

Roger: I do. If anything it only enriches the historical significance of the item. I’d expect this to fetch anywhere from between £150 to £250 at auction. 

Ixlor: OH THAT’S NOT BAD AT ALL.

Doris: HE HAS RISEN. 

Ixlor continues evaporating elderly attendees within the now-burning great hall. Cut to presenter standing by manor entrance gates beneath Antiques Roadshow sign.

Presenter: Wow, what a treat. We’d like to thank all of our wonderful collectors for coming along and sharing with us all their stories and antiques. We’d hoped to see some magic today and they certainly did not disappoint! For more information on where we’ll be heading to next be sure to visit our website for more info. But until next time, thanks for watching and take care! 

The camera cranes backwards and elevates revealing the manor grounds behind the presenter. Ixlor is now thirty foot tall and has escaped the manor, breathing fire onto remaining stalls. Audio fade out. Classical music plays. Roll credits.

I’ve always found something really funny about The Antiques Roadshow. There’s just something about a crowd of white haired onlookers eyeing up old pots and vases and tea sets with total adoration that gets me. I love the honesty and earnestness of it all and the wee stories that turn an objectively mingin’ ornament into something deeply important and personal to someone. I also like that because us British people have a very limited expressive emotional range whether the pot is worth £30 or £3,000 the reaction is always kind of like “oh wow, isn’t that lovely” followed by a wee round of applause. There’s just something very British and cute about the whole thing. So naturally, take that format + magic and here we are. Praise Ixlor.